November 18, NanoPoblano 2020. A November blog day just like any other. Except on THIS blog day, I quit.
It had been just over one year since I was the lucky survivor of cancer. Undiagnosed for what doctors deemed “a while”, growing quietly on my right kidney, reaching Stage 3. Keeping its business to itself, without jumping over any margins, to any other organs, then showing itself, only at the last minute, through something as desperately random as a never-ending stream of blood in my urine.
Medical emails, followed by tests and re-tests during the panic of a pandemic, and in just 6½ short but agonizingly slow weeks, it was over. The whole kidney removed, and with it, the monster on my insides. Jump ahead just a little over one year later, and I thought that blogging about my journey from first symptom to medical all-clear was brilliant, and easy, and something I was ready to undertake.
I could not have been more wrong.
What should’ve been light and anecdotal posts, post-nightmare, became a greater and greater weight on me throughout the month, until, on November 18, I just stopped writing about it.
I just stopped writing, about anything.
Gee, I wonder why.
Why does a boxer quit on their stool? Why does a marathoner just walk off the course with the finish line in sight? Why do people quit working for Twitter? You can answer those questions any way you want. For me, the answers are, at their core, the same.
Because they are done, that’s why.
So today, quietly, and celebrating only with myself, I mark the second anniversary of the day I quit on my stool. For me, there was no NanoPoblano 2021. There was only walking off the course of a marathon without having even begun the race. Oh and, fuck Twitter, though I still have my two accounts there, in case My Friend Tom from MySpace ever wants to resurrect that decomposing blue bird, during what’s left of my lifetime.
But I… as usual… digress, BIG TIME.
I guess that’s who I’ve become, or more accurately, who I’ve embraced already being, in the last two years since “The Big Quit”. I’m more me, or maybe I’m just me… more. This had to have always been “me”, whoever that was. And if you knew me before “The Big Quit”, maybe I let you in on it. Also, maybe I didn’t, but if you’re here now, I’m damn sure letting you see it, every day, for 18 straight days, unlike the last time.
Okay, now YOU. We’ve all quit on our stool. So what was yours? It doesn’t have to be a monumental thing, but if it WAS monumental, that’s okay, too. If you want to share, please do. If not, just share it with yourself.
I already know what a good listener you are.
Talk to you tomorrow.