“… And I love you, fucking all.”
“Alienation Nightmare” © 1996 by Sabu
I have now alienated the entirety of my close friends, past and present, in the forty short days since I quit being a fucking drunk.
Atta boy!
I knew there would be changes. Baseline changes, in the way I related to my depressingly unhappy life, the life I needed to deal with seeing sober, and not from the rosy view of the bottom of a bottle of Two-Buck Chuck. No warming insulation, no softening cushion like strips of bubble wrap, or pale green packing peanuts, crumbling on the inside of a much-too-tightly wrapped package as it careens, out of control, down the UPS conveyor belt of life. Broken contents, and useless measures taken to secure them.
Honesty and anger, brevity and elaboration, and an unvarnished way of being real… of being me. And the alienation of so many, who with their words say that they approve of what I’ve done, but with their absence say that they don’t. And I don’t blame them. Because I don’t know if I like the real me better than the old… yet. But I’m gonna. Because this voice, this soul, this living, unprotected me on the inside of the crushed cardboard box of my existence accepts the leaky, possibly toxic truth that will, from time to time and from now on, keep spilling out.
And I love you, fucking all.
© 2014 Bill Friday
I actually had a family member tell me I was much more fun drunk. I thought I lost a lot of friends when I stopped all that shit. The truth I realize now is that I had very few real friends to begin with.
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Jess,
I’ve said that very same thing to myself! Now, I’m pretty sure I was lying… to myself. And nobody needs as many friends as they think. Thank you for sharing… and thank you for reading!
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Thank you!
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Big changes are never easy…but you know this is right. I’ll spare you the countless platitudes that spring to mind and just say, “Happy Valentine’s day, Bill. I like your courage!”
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Thank you, my friend! And never worry, platitudes from YOU are truer than the most sincere words of a fraud. I’ll take those any day! Happy Valentine’s Day to you, too!
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Forty days is a long fucking time, especially those early batches. So congrats on that.
You certainly find out who your truest friends are when you quit. Some will surprise you. Both in good and sad ways. I found the ones who resist the most, are the ones that have their own toxic relationship with drinking–your quitting makes them examine their own behavior.
“Nobody but you” by Bukowski:
http://exceptindreams.livejournal.com/115601.html
-Christy
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Christy,
As I go forward in life, the thing I find most surprising would be who actually is, or becomes, a friend… and why. Friends become former friends, old friends become better friends, and new friends appear out of nowhere. And a quote from one of my favorite drunks helps me along the road to where I belong. Thanks.
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I like that buffer too Bill. Hang in there. It will get better, and the sharper you feel things the better you will write. 🙂
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Thank you, Dani.
One thing is lately for sure, the words are more full color than they’ve been in like… FOREVER!
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🙂 that makes me happy cause your words are awesome.
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I’m really, really proud of you. Not just for making changes to better yourself, but also that you had the desire (and guts) to share those changes. And you did it beautifully to boot.
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Jenny,
From one who knows changes, to another… thank you.
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Congrats and enjoy your time to soar, and for those who do not wish to go along for the ride, you can leave them in the jet stream.
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Well the good news is you will find you don’t want to be around these so called “friends”. I’ve been through this. I got off the party train and soon found my circle thinning quite rapidly. Even a person I thought was my “real” “friend” eventually came to tell me she didn’t like the person I’d become and now she is gone too . That’s okay because I no longer liked being the Designated Driver and subjecting myself to the bullshit I was no longer participating in. Hang in there; in the end it’s all your gain.
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Change is hard — but I am so glad you’re doing this! Way to go! ❤
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